A Christmas Day Story

Christmas Day was a sobering and humbling experience this year. It was the first time that Franklin Family Support and Lone Star joined together to put on a Christmas lunch for just over 120 guests who would have otherwise been alone or were families having a bit of a tough time.

Alofa Glas and Jason Goodall are business award winners and the owners of the Lone Star in Pukekohe. Their family decided to do something for other people this Christmas.  Many of their suppliers and friends got behind their idea, and this year a restaurant Christmas lunch experience was provided for many who would not otherwise have had the opportunity.

Their extended family started work at 6am and produced a great event, also providing the entertainment.

The FFSS project Manager Bonnie Reid sent invitations to people, followed up and where necessary arranged volunteers to provide transport. We began welcoming guests at 11.00am with lunch served at midday.

Just as we were about to start one of the family told me a lady had rushed out and seemed quite upset. I caught up with the guest crying in the car park. I just stood with them for a bit and was told that they couldn’t cope. They were on their own, the last member of their family alive, having just lost the sister not long before Christmas and their parents before last Christmas.

They were dreading being on their own and were overwhelmed by the happy families.

We talked a while and I asked if they would be happy sitting with someone who would look after them. They weren’t sure and were still very upset. I went in to make the arrangements and whilst explaining to Bonnie became a bit emotionally overwhelmed myself. Anyway I got the story out and we arranged for another of our team to look after the guest. They agreed to come back in with me, and I held her hand whilst we walked through all the people to Yvonne who with her husband took the guest under their wing.

Before dessert Father Christmas arrived in a fire engine with lights, siren and claxon. Well you couldn’t have turned kids on faster, like supercharged energiser bunnies! Through the generosity of donors, every child got an appropriate gift and had their photo taken with a great Santa. The delight was truly heart-warming.

Some of the guests shared their stories with volunteers as they expressed their appreciation and gratitude for the opportunity to join us for Christmas lunch.

Later on I saw the guest I mentioned earlier outside again so we had a chat. They were so afraid of being alone and thought next year they might become a volunteer after experiencing first-hand what so many volunteers were doing that day. We talked about that and I offered some ideas and invited them to come by in the New Year.

Rhys Coffin from We Love Pukekohe came by and interviewed some of the guests. He was touched by their stories and got permission from some to relate them on the site. Andrew Bayly, our local MP came by and spent a lot of time meeting guests and talking with them.

After the guests were farewelled and the restaurant was cleared and cleaned, the family and volunteers still there sat down to have lunch on leftovers. They were all pleased how well the event had gone. Many were emotionally exhausted, realising how life really was for many people.

What a day. We came home and just collapsed, overwhelmed by the whole thing really. The generosity of those who provided supplies and presents for the children; the family for their hard work providing the event; the volunteers who helped provide for so many guests. And the guests themselves who were so appreciative.

All in all a special day.

Facebook - the mask of cyberbullies

“One’s dignity can be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” Those words of Michael J Fox came to light whilst I was researching a growing concern I have with verbal bullying and social media.

When I was a kid we moved around a bit living in smaller rural towns where the community was compact, connected and supportive.

Local occasions such as the A&P Show; school gala day; volunteer fire brigade fundraiser picnic; sports day and family service at church on Sunday were always well attended. After service, as much time was spent the church hall over a cuppa catching up, making arrangements to look after old Mrs Thing who had just come out of hospital, checking to see whose garden had the best flowers for next Sunday’s service.

In short, all I ever recall of my childhood was everyone working together and looking after each other in what upon reflection seems to be a romanticised view of life.

More recently we have seen the introduction of Social Media. What an amazing invention for keeping in touch, sharing information, generally communicating better and faster – got to be good right?

I am not a big user of face book, I certainly don’t participate in chat rooms unless I have to or they are professional forums.

What seems to have crept up on us is a more sinister use of this fantastic media – cyber/verbal bullying. A face book profile can be the site of a budding romance or the staging ground for conflict. When a conflict arises, some choose to air their grievances, or “drama” in full view of everyone, friends and people they have never met before.

And what is even more amazing is the sudden and almost immediate appearance of a raft of other people who are not directly involved, but seek to involve themselves often as expert advisors.

I thought I was just becoming over sensitive and decided to do some research. WOW. I am not the only person who has thought about this. In fact there has been a huge amount of research, especially the psychology of how and why people behave like this.

Earlier this year I had the privilege to be invited to hear Marcus Akuhata-Brown speak in Pukekohe. The Hall was packed with mainly educators. Marcus grew up on the East Coast near Gisborne.  He is an experienced educator. He has led a number of innovative programmes around the world, focusing on addressing the learning and development needs of youth at risk. [Learn more about Marcus here - https://tukaha.wordpress.com/profile/ ]

One thing that he said stuck with me: “Isn’t it interesting how we can all look at the same thing and see something different. And isn’t it interesting how each of us believe that what we see is the right view.”

And therein lies the issue of verbal and cyber bullying. It seemed to me that we always knew what Marcus said, but we used to find ways to work with each other, demonstrating respect for the other’s view, whilst trying to find a way we could meet at a place called mutually agreed understanding.

There’s been a lot of research which supports the view that placing a layer of technology between you and someone you know makes it easier to say things that you’d never say to their face. Often people feel bolder, ruder, or more empowered because they are not in fear of immediate physical reprisal in the online space.

Here are some other researched facts:

·      Using social networking sites can increase people’s stress levels, produce anxiety and negatively affect a person’s sense of self.

·      People whose friends posted cheery status updates tended also to have a more positive mood.

·      When participants increased their Facebook use, their state of well-being declined, while those who increased the amount of time they spent with people face to face had an increased sense of well-being.

Verbal cruelty is the weapon of the cyber bully. It is a behaviour persistently used to introduce fear, discrimination, and doubt on the person being ill-treated. Verbal cruelty is a kind of misuse of words where they suddenly serve as weapons instead of just a means for communication.

One tactic I have experienced personally is where some abusers say for an excuse that they did not intend something that they have said to be an insult. People who are abused (verbally or otherwise) know when they are being abused or not.

The advent of social media makes it so much easier for those with a tendency for abuse to do their dirty work and to have an audience as well. So what does the research tell us about such a bully?

Criticisms and allegations are a projection of the bully’s own weaknesses, shortcomings, failings and incompetence; every criticism or allegation is an admission by the bully of their misdeeds and wrongdoing. The bully’s criticisms and allegations, which are usually founded on distortion, blame and fabrication, are an opinion or fabrication for the purpose of control.

The serial bully likes to play people off against each other. The bully gains gratification from manipulating and watching others destroy each other. Serial bullies excel at deception and manipulation.

The goal of the abuser is to hurt and lower your self-esteem and they will say anything to achieve that goal, no matter how stupid or mean that may sound. Watching you get angry only delights the abuser and encourages them to continue, letting them know they are doing an excellent job.

According to the research, verbal aggression is mainly a result of a lack of argumentative skill. Listening anxiety and intellectual inflexibility are predictors of aggressive communication traits.

Michael J. Fox’s quote, “One’s dignity can be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered,” is the lesson I have learned as a result of my research.

Other observations include:

·      If you see someone being bullied, make it stop.

·      When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.

·      Stay away from people who gossip and spread rumours. They are choosing the path of emotional bullying and negativity.

And finally, I have forgotten who said this but it seemed to me the best advice to finish this blog on. “The problem with cyber bullying is everything. If you have something mean to say, look in the mirror and say it to yourself. Maybe you’ll think twice.”