“One’s dignity
can be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away
unless it is surrendered.” Those words of Michael J Fox came to light whilst I
was researching a growing concern I have with verbal bullying and social media.
When I was a kid
we moved around a bit living in smaller rural towns where the community was
compact, connected and supportive.
Local occasions
such as the A&P Show; school gala day; volunteer fire brigade fundraiser
picnic; sports day and family service at church on Sunday were always well
attended. After service, as much time was spent the church hall over a cuppa
catching up, making arrangements to look after old Mrs Thing who had just come
out of hospital, checking to see whose garden had the best flowers for next
Sunday’s service.
In short, all I
ever recall of my childhood was everyone working together and looking after
each other in what upon reflection seems to be a romanticised view of life.
More recently
we have seen the introduction of Social Media. What an amazing invention for
keeping in touch, sharing information, generally communicating better and
faster – got to be good right?
I am not a big
user of face book, I certainly don’t participate in chat rooms unless I have to
or they are professional forums.
What seems to
have crept up on us is a more sinister use of this fantastic media – cyber/verbal
bullying. A face book profile can be the site of a budding romance or the
staging ground for conflict. When a conflict arises, some choose to air their
grievances, or “drama” in full view of everyone, friends and people they have
never met before.
And what is
even more amazing is the sudden and almost immediate appearance of a raft of
other people who are not directly involved, but seek to involve themselves
often as expert advisors.
I thought I was
just becoming over sensitive and decided to do some research. WOW. I am not the
only person who has thought about this. In fact there has been a huge amount of
research, especially the psychology of how and why people behave like this.
Earlier this
year I had the privilege to be invited to hear Marcus Akuhata-Brown speak in
Pukekohe. The Hall was packed with mainly educators. Marcus grew up on the East
Coast near Gisborne. He is an
experienced educator. He has led a number of innovative programmes around the
world, focusing on addressing the learning and development needs of youth at
risk. [Learn more about Marcus here - https://tukaha.wordpress.com/profile/
]
One thing that
he said stuck with me: “Isn’t it interesting how we can all look at the same
thing and see something different. And isn’t it interesting how each of us
believe that what we see is the right view.”
And therein
lies the issue of verbal and cyber bullying. It seemed to me that we always
knew what Marcus said, but we used to find ways to work with each other,
demonstrating respect for the other’s view, whilst trying to find a way we
could meet at a place called mutually agreed understanding.
There’s been a
lot of research which supports the view that placing a layer of technology between you and
someone you know makes it easier to say things that you’d never say to their
face. Often people feel bolder, ruder, or more empowered because they are not
in fear of immediate physical reprisal in the online space.
Here are some
other researched facts:
·
Using
social networking sites can increase people’s stress levels, produce anxiety
and negatively affect a person’s sense of self.
·
People
whose friends posted cheery status updates tended also to have a more positive mood.
·
When
participants increased their Facebook use, their state of well-being declined,
while those who increased the amount of time they spent with people face to
face had an increased sense of well-being.
Verbal cruelty is the weapon of the cyber bully. It
is a behaviour persistently used to introduce fear, discrimination, and doubt
on the person being ill-treated. Verbal cruelty is a kind of misuse of words
where they suddenly serve as weapons instead of just a means for communication.
One tactic I
have experienced personally is where some abusers say for an excuse that they
did not intend something that they have said to be an insult. People who are
abused (verbally or otherwise) know when they are being abused or not.
The advent of social
media makes it so much easier for those with a tendency for abuse to do their
dirty work and to have an audience as well. So what does the research tell us
about such a bully?
Criticisms and
allegations are a projection of the bully’s own weaknesses, shortcomings,
failings and incompetence; every criticism or allegation is an admission by the
bully of their misdeeds and wrongdoing. The bully’s criticisms and allegations,
which are usually founded on distortion, blame and fabrication, are an opinion
or fabrication for the purpose of control.
The serial
bully likes to play people off against each other. The bully gains gratification
from manipulating and watching others destroy each other. Serial bullies excel
at deception and manipulation.
The goal of the
abuser is to hurt and lower your self-esteem and they will say anything to
achieve that goal, no matter how stupid or mean that may sound. Watching you
get angry only delights the abuser and encourages them to continue, letting
them know they are doing an excellent job.
According to
the research, verbal aggression is mainly a result of a lack of argumentative
skill. Listening anxiety and intellectual inflexibility are predictors of
aggressive communication traits.
Michael J. Fox’s
quote, “One’s dignity can be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it
can never be taken away unless it is surrendered,” is the lesson I have learned
as a result of my research.
Other observations include:
·
If
you see someone being bullied, make it stop.
·
When
people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch
and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up
useless.
·
Stay
away from people who gossip and spread rumours. They are choosing the path of
emotional bullying and negativity.
And finally, I
have forgotten who said this but it seemed to me the best advice to finish this
blog on. “The problem
with cyber bullying is everything. If you have something mean to say, look in
the mirror and say it to yourself. Maybe you’ll think twice.” 
