On Saturday
13th August 2018 we attended the funeral for Kevin Cholmondeley who passed on 11th August. Here is the Eulogy I delivered.
Ladies and gentlemen, many of you in the room will
have known Kevin longer than I and will certainly be more aware of all of his
characteristics, attributes, and foibles.
So, I thought I would take this opportunity to
bring you up to date with the events of the week in Heaven and particularly regarding
Kevin’s arrival.
On Monday, the evening
edition of the Pearly Gates News reported that there had been disruption at the
entrance gates to Heaven and later in the arrivals Onboarding Hall. St Peter, General
Manager of Arrivals, said in a statement, “We have never quite experienced such
disruption at the Pearly Gates entrance to Heaven before.”
The source of the disruption was a gentleman
new arrival by the name of Mr. Kevin Cholmondeley-Smith.
“Apparently,”
said St Peter, “he felt that our processing did not seem to be consistent
across the various check-in booths and had gathered some of the staff in a
meeting which slowed processing. St Peter continued, “When I arrived to
investigate, all booths were closed, and Mr Cholmondeley-Smith was running a
workshop with the staff, and they were reviewing our procedures. It seems he
had also arranged for those waiting to be served with tea and biscuits.”
St Peter went on to advise that his assistant,
the Angel of the first heaven who rules over Monday,
Dabriel, negotiated
with Mr. Cholmondeley-Smith to get staff back to work. They had to
work an additional 2 hours to clear the back log.
On Monday night, Cloud 9, a Channel of
Heavenly TV, reported that a meeting had been arranged between St Peter and Mr. Kevin Cholmondeley-Smith.
They also interviewed Kevin who said, “I am
disappointed the Managing Director, God, will not be at the meeting, but at
least we are making a start on creating a better arrival experience for new
entrants to Heaven.”
The next day, Tuesday, the Heavenly Radio Chat
Show, Hymns, had Kevin as a guest.
The presenter was the late Paul Holmes from
Radio NZ. This is the programme where selected new arrivals are hosted for a
chat. Apparently Kevin hadn’t been scheduled until next week but spoke directly
with Paul and got himself on.
They had been chatting and talked a bit about
the events of Monday when Paul asked how Kevin was finding the accommodation. In
response Kevin launched into detailed commentary about how they were laid out
and that he didn’t like the tenement like rows. He felt there should be more
like smaller village settings. Kevin said this would help build identifiable
communities where people could more easily relate to each other and build
relationships.
It seems he touched a raw nerve with the
listening community because the switch board lit up and additional call takers
had to be rushed in to handle the increasing number of callers. With a bit of
an uprising occurring the Director of Heavenly Operations the Arc Angel Gabriel
arrived and shut the Radio chat show down.
The so called chat station was suddenly a
soothing calming music station.
Now the Arc Angel Gabriel is not one to be
messed with. He was reported on the midday news that he had delegated the Angel
Ansiel, better known as ‘The Constrainer’, “to have a chat with this new
arrival”. One or two others in the past had experienced an Angel Ansiel chat
and ended up somewhere completely different, where there was no need whatsoever
for central heating.
That night on the Cloud 9 TV news the Arch
Angel Gabriel was facing some tough questions – clearly, he was annoyed at
being put on the spot, but did concede that “Whilst the new arrival Mr. Kevin Cholmondeley-Smith
was somewhat confronting, he had made
some good points that they had agreed to consider.” In the meantime, he said, he would be setting
up a residents panel which Mr. Cholmondeley-Smith would be chairing and
would report directly to him.
Kevin was interviewed and said, “I am
disappointed I have not been able to meet with the Managing Director God, but
at least we are making a start on creating a forum for residents to have a
voice in the planning of future accommodation.”
The next morning the first item of news on
both radio and TV was the imperious Director of Heavenly of Operations the Arc
Angel Gabriel. He announced on behalf of the Managing Director, God, that there
would be a new approach to community engagement and planning.
On Wednesday there was a bit of a kerfuffle
early afternoon. Apparently Kevin’s intake was scheduled for their orientation
tour.
This is normally an uncomplicated and
structured event – pretty mechanical really.
Kevin was picked up and shortly after they set
off, the bus stopped, and the Driver stomped off. Apparently, Kevin had
demanded that they go see the horses and ponies before anything else. Normally they
didn’t do that until week two sometimes week three if they have been busy.
Kevin began flagging down passers-by until he
found a bus driver who would take over & drive the bus to the horse &
pony section.
There were quite few other people there, some
of whom Kevin recognised. Of those, some were pleased to see him and some
clearly were not. One loudmouth busy body who was bossing everyone around saw
Kevin and shouted at him, “And you can piss off.”
A disturbance subsequently ensued which
necessitated the angel security officer on duty to Taser some people. He
assumed Kevin was in charge today and sort direction from him on who needed to
be tasered.
The breadth of Kevin’s smile nearly cracked
his face!
Because Tasers had been deployed the Angel
Rogziel, the Angel of Punishment (whose name means ‘The Wrath of God’) had to
be called. He was introduced to Kevin and kept muttering, bloody horse people,
I rather be in Hell.
That evening on the Heavenly TV Cloud 9 News,
it was announced by Hayyel,
Angel of Animals, that
the new arrival Mr. Cholmondeley-Smith had been appointed as the equestrian
section manager. Apparently, a number of people applied for passes for the
express train straight to Hell.
Now Cloud 9 TV News and the Pearly Gates Times
had assigned reporters to follow Kevin. The Cloud 9 report secretly filmed the
Pearly Gates reporter saying to Kevin, “We haven’t had this much fun in
centuries!”
The full transcript of that conversation will
be in the Heavenly Herald on Sunday, tomorrow.
Thursday passed relatively quietly with Kevin
reacquainting himself with many passed friends and contacts and especially some
special horses and ponies. Later in the afternoon the Cloud 9 News Director
contacted Kevin complaining there was no exciting news.
Later that afternoon, Kevin invited himself to afternoon tea with Morael - Angel
of Awe who rules the months of August-September. Kevin said later, “I met with
the Angel of Awe so we could get to know each other better and to run through
my plans for the next couple of months.”
On Friday morning all Radio and TV channels
carried the newsflash that a reliable source had leaked that the Heavenly
Managing Director, God had called the Arc Angel Gabriel and demanded, “Who in
the name of white doves is this Kevin Cholmondeley-Smith?”
Kevin continued to express disappointment that
he had not yet been invited to meet with the Heavenly Managing Director,
God.
Just to be clear, new arrivals normally met
with the Heavenly Managing Director, God, at a garden party at the end of the
month.
Although not yet
public, we understand that throughout Friday and probably to-day as I speak,
Kevin is calling on various members of the Heavenly Equestrian community to set
up a Judging Panel, develop a common set of showing rules, consider the
possibility of establishing a breeding programme and to organise affiliation
with the Royal A & P Society of New Zealand.
Well ladies and
gentle, I figure you have a pretty good idea how this is going to play out. So
in conclusion, let me just say a prayer. When I finish and say Amen you are
welcome to shout out Amen in response.
Dear God, Heavenly Managing Director, please
accept our appointment of Kevin Cholmondeley-Smith as our Ambassador of
Equestrian to your deity.
He has served a long and comprehensive
apprenticeship, Lord, and comes with many
references and considerable international experience. We appreciate that he at
times may appear difficult to work with, wishing to follow his own course.
But Lord, as Ralph Waldo Emmerson said, “Do
not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a
trail.”
Kevin knows that success is not measured by
what he accomplished, but by the opposition he has encountered. He has
demonstrated courage, maintaining the struggle, often against the odds, not
running away, but remaining at his post.
Let Kevin take care of your equestrian herd.
He has discovered that
the horse is life itself, a metaphor Lord, but also an example of life’s
mystery and unpredictability, of life’s generosity and beauty, a worthy object
of repeated and ever changing contemplation.
Lord, bear in mind the words of two wise men
of our world. Mr. Bruce Orr, a Past President of the RAS. He said of Kevin, “The
movement owes him a huge debt of thanks for lifetime of involvement, passion
and commitment. All of us who were fortunate enough to have enjoyed his
companionship & wise counsel are very much the poorer with his passing. “
We ask humbly that you appreciate him.
An international Equestrian expert Mr. Wayne
Hipsley in America said, “I can only wonder how many people realize how many
equestrian lives he touched through his activities. He had a purpose and a
passion for equestrian sports and we must consider ourselves lucky to have
called him a friend.”
Lord hear our words.
Kevin comes to you well recommended – care for
him, love him, and bear with him.
We ask also that you bless John, Kevin’s
family and the close friends who have travelled this journey with him
to his departure.
Amen.
